I LOVE YOU BABE!!!

Hope you have fun reading this!!! Probably have to click "older posts" at the bottom until you get to the first post which I did at the end up April! Might be a little cheesy!! But at least you'll know what I was really thinking the whole time!!!

My heart smiles for you again

:-)

Just thinking

I am going to bring you both Birthday cakes and presents.  There are so many things I want to make.  I haven't cooked a single thing in 5 months.  I am afraid I might have forgotten how to cook.  Remember all the cooking we used to do?  That was so fun.  Why do I feel like you died?  Ugh it sucks!

Getting the ring re-sized

As much as I wanted you to have it, I'll always have you with me now....plus its beautful.

Last night was tough

I had to commute home on SWA because DAL was full.  I got to the gate and although I recognized the CA, I didn't KNOW him..... BUT HE KNEW YOU!  And of course asked about you.  Its so hard to answer all the questions people ask me.  It ruined my whole day.  I just wanted to sit there and cry my eyes out.  But I didn't.  I responded with what I believe to be the truth...." Ernie is a wonderful man, has a fantastic son, and a great x-wife".  Tried to lighten the mood a bit.  It still broke my heart. 

So sad today

Just so many things that I can't even tell you....... I wonder when I will get off the plane and not look for you. I always thing... "maybe today he'll be here".

I don't think you'll ever know how much I love you! Maybe one day you will.....
Sometimes I wish I made u take me to the Breakers in Palm
Beach..... You had already given me your debit card number to pay and everything ;-( ugh!

Miss you

This is AMAZZZZZIIIINNNNGGG!!!

You both will love it!

My favorite pizza

Always wished I would be here with you! I love you so much! I wish I didn't think about you every second ;-( ugh

Always

I ALWAYS TELL YOU EVERYTHING!!! It just sucks not having you to tell :-( so saddddd!!!!

Damn IT!!!!

I LOVED YOU SOOOO MUCH!!! WTH!! Why didn't you love me back? I would have done anything for you!

PBI

What would I give to go back to Palm beach and start over????
:-(((
I remember it like it was only yesterday. I wish it really only had been yesterday. Hind sight is always 20/20. I wish I knew then what I know now!

Dreams

I wonder when you won't be in my dreams anymore..... But I kind of hope you don't ever leave....I love getting to see you.

You too

Have more personality in your pinky finger than anyone I've ever met! I love you!

Love you miss you

Hug you hold you.

Wanted to make you an ice cream cone with this

So many things I want to share with you

I want you to be there for everything! I've found lots of things to do to keep myself busy. I'm always alone which just completely and totally is one of the worst feelings ever. It makes me miss you even more. I know I should try not to put myself through this, but it's so hard sometimes! And so sad.

Undeleted my blog to you

A few weeks ago, I deleted the blog because I was so emotionally distressed and I thought it would be better if I couldn't write to you everyday. I've thought about it quite a bit, and decided to "undelete" it. I just miss you so much and so many parts of me want you to know that. I don't know why this is so hard. I wish in lots of ways our relationship would have gone differently. I wish we had gotten married ;-( and that we faced our problems and were committed to finding a solution together. So so so so sad.

Love my ring

You were right

I do miss you! It's not like I thought I wouldn't but it used I make me so mad every time you said that because I felt like "well what makes you think you won't miss me"??? But maybe you don't who knows!

:-(((((

I thought you would love this!

So pretty!

One of the hardest parts

I have the best schedule now! And I get home on Wednesday night and usually go to a little happy hour by myself! And have dinner and a drink or two and walk around! It's hard because I know you are home and I want to be with you ;(

Had a UAL pilot jumseating

I had a pilot jumseating yesterday who told me "you fly a nice airplane"! I think he was complimenting my flying and not the actual airplane! I purposely flew really really nice :-) and it was really smooth out! I was thinking that I can thank YOU for teaching me how to be a good pilot when it comes to flying people! Even though we never actually flew together, I always listened to everything you told me. I'm so glad I did, because I learned so much from you. You never thought I listened to your advice, but I always did! I hope one day I get to fly a bigger better airplane and hopefully "fly a nice airplane" like you do!

Enjoy blogging

I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up because although for now I think it's a healthy way for me to "feel like I am communicating with you", it won't be healthy forever! And I hope that I don't want to continue this forever. I really need to move forward and get this off of my mind.
So, I am going to start a blog about makeup products, only I can't decide what to name it! I didn't realize how easy it is to keep a blog right on my phone! I already took pictures of the first product I plan to review and I think I'll end up taking pictures of lots of my make up so I can do a post here and there on my commute flights :-)

Breath in breath out

Went to Mall of America and spent a few hours walking around! It was a little stressful! Saw the "Twin Cities Grill"! Remember, we had a drink there? So fun!!!! I miss you!!!! Do you hear that???

I took a pic of the SBUX that you bought a gift card at for me :-)

Never forget you!!! Ever! Miss you ;-(

So proud of myself

Made it this many days without writing! Still missed you though. Starting to feel like myself again. It feels good.

Had a little emotional set back when I checked the mail and got my "change of address" but luckily it was temporary.
Going to work today. Hope you are well.

Definitely a BIG MISTAKE

We should have gotten married literally 5 years ago, or the day I "moved in".... Which I think was the first day I came to your house. I don't know why I have to learn every lesson the hard way! I even thought I had learned that, sadly I hadn't! But I SURE HAVE NOW! Should have listened to Dave Ramsey regarding "shacking up" a LONG LONG time ago!

Remembering the good days

I can't even imagine what I would give be be driving to West Palm Beach right now! I was so excited for that day that I don't think I even ate for days. I was actually so consumed with impressing you.... I didn't want to be embarrassed.... So I called my Mom and told her I was going to get a new car. She told me SHE would buy a new car and would give me her Camry. I even went out the day before I was going to meet you so I could get the windows tinted(that is a story in itself). Wow, that sounds so stupid now, but back then, I really really wanted you to like me as much as I liked you!
I don't think I'll ever forget how nervous I was. It feels like yesterday... My heart literally skipped a beat when I saw the one king size bed in the room. It felt like you were never going to get there. But WOW!!!! Once you did, I had soooo much fun! Remember the little prop and airplane pins you gave me? I still have them! I suppose one day, they will bring back memories of all the happy times we shared.

Miss you

:-(

Made it a whole day

Without writing! I suppose that's a good sign towards moving forward.

It's so confusing

As to why you don't seem to understand how much I love you! Why don't you get it together and realize that I deserve some reciprocation!
I keep thinking.... It might take a while, but maybe just maybe you'll have a "walk across the street and apologize to Don moment". Although I'm not holding my breath, but I hope you do.

I wish I had kept a journal

At least then maybe I could figure out how we got here although sitting here analyzing this every second of every day is just about to make me crazy. I just want answers, and I can't get a single one ;-(

I would do a lot of things different

Isn't that the name of a country song? Maybe I would advise myself to learn from my mistakes if I am ever given the opportunity. I really hope I am. I want to have a family one day. At this rate though....I just keep getting older...

Do you have any idea how much I love you???

Where are you??? Why don't you call and check on me??? Ever???

Whyyyyyyyyyyyy??????? How could we do this?

I miss you! Wish I could tell you about my day ;(
Wish I knew where you were...
Happy Cinco de Mayo.... Wish we were celebrating together....
It's heart breaking to say the least.
Xoxo

Sooooo many things to tell you

Love you miss you wish I could just pickup the phone and call you.... So I had someone to talk to about my day ;-( so sad.
How could you not call and check on me for 30 whole days. Not a second has passed that I didn't want to call........ Or hoped that you would call.

Last time I ate Potbellies

I was taking the same flight MDW-MSP... I was so excited! Just like I always am when I meet you on an overnight! Its one of those things that I look forward to the minute I know I'm going to see you.
OMG... I just realized it was a ago tomorrow or was it two years ago???... That was the last time I flew on your airplane.... Remember? It was Cinco De Mayo and we went to the Mall of America and drank beer and ate guacamole. Then we came back to the hotel and had Calamari-remember the waiter said they were marinated in buttermilk! I was so happy to see you. The hotel was so nice, and we had a beautiful night. Then I flew back to Orlando on Air Tran...and you got me the "One Luv" lanyard....

I wish I was going to MSP to meet you. I guess I have to suck it up since I'm not going to see you.
Hope you are well. I miss you and I love you.
Leigh
I had a small lunch yesterday and some juice last night... So this morning I was very hungry when I got to Chicago. It was so yummy.

I'm trying to...Keep this in mind

Meet you on a beach in Hawaii.... In a white dress.

Miss you

There is a variety of things that makes this so difficult. You were my family. I wanted you to be my family. I had finally learned I needed to find someone who would make me a wife who was proud of her husband for being a wonderful man. And you were that to me. It's not easy to try not to miss you because you are a good person. You are genuine, kind, sweet, loving, and you are a man of utmost integrity. And a man that I love dearly.
Sometimes I think Don might come by and say "What are you thinking? That girl has gone above and beyond for you!". I don't know why you don't understand the position you put other people in. I can't even count the # of times I've seen Don at your house, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen you at his house. And he only lives a car length away. Don't you ever realize that people want reciprocation in a relationship whether it's merely a friendship or a serious relationship. I wanted you to be with me in some of my life...... I was there for yours. Even though I am mad, it's hard I be mad at you for something you don't understand or comprehend. I think one day you will understand it, but only when "you are in my shoes", and one day you will be.

I would have dropped everything for you. I would have quit my own dreams for you. We should have complimented each other not killed each other. I wanted and still want a family with you. I would love nothing more than to be husband and wife with one already beautiful child and more to come. Your things are more important to you. I always think of you as going to the ends of the earth for me, but you do that for your stuff....the stuff that will never love you back.

I Look for you everyday.... You aren't in here.

Empty bar stool beside me at The Cherry Creek Grill

It was a beautiful day in Denver today. I just finished a 5 day and I was so hungry. I can't remember the last time I had more than one meal a day. I just don't have an appetite. I barely even have time to eat when I'm at work anyway. I finished my trip today at noon, so I decided to go to the Cherry Creek Grill. I got a seat at the far end of the bar.... I had a good view of the table we sat at the last time we ate there. It was kind of upsetting because I wished you were there. Last time we ate there, we took a cab, both had a few drinks and had one of the best nights ever.... Just like all the nights I've ever spent with you on an overnight. Remember you had the French dip? And you loved it! Today, I didn't get my usual Macho salad. I got the vegetable plate instead. I ate half of it and took the rest home. The restaurant is so beautiful. It was peaceful and the music was nice. It wasn't too busy either. There were lots of open seats at the bar. I just wish the one next to me wasn't empty.

Wondering where you are....

I am stuck in Pueblo waiting for the mechanics to replace the tires on our right main gear....
I had to go into my bag so I could get the nail polish.... So I could paint my nails while we are waiting....you are around every corner and in every thought and every prayer....

What does this remind you of??

Aiden running around with his mouth wide open, waving his hand, screaming "HOT HOT"!
:-)))

Spicy green chile

I'm stuck in Pueblo trying to get a mechanic who can put some nitrogen in a tire for us. I was really hungry, so I went in and got the Huevos Rancheros at the restaurant. Woah that green chile is SPICY! Delicious but my mouth is on fire. I don't think they were as good as the breakfast you had at the Renaissance on the day after my birthday! Remember those? I still have the picture on my phone ;-) I certainly think we could have made an excellent rendition of these though. Tortilla with hash browns, an egg over medium, then salsa and cheese! Miss our cooking ;(

Today is my first flight down to Albuquerque! I'm a little nervous. I hate going into big airports that I don't know. The taxiing worries me because I'm not sure where to go and I don't know where we park. I sure wish I was going in with you in the 737 even if I was just an FA. I miss those days ;( I still dream I'll fly with you again one day.... Dream to fly the rest of my life with you.

I'm sure you are home. I wish I was sitting "shot gun" where ever you are ;(

Why didn't we just commit?

It was exactly 5 years ago this month when I first met you and I instantly thought.... You are THE ONE! I don't have very many regrets in my life, but I do regret quite a few things in our relationship. It devastates me to think we got to this point because we simply never made a commitment. I think if we had gotten married shortly after we met, we would have had a strong marriage because we both would have been committed to each other. Instead we were committed to our own agendas which led us to where we are today. I desperately want you to be my husband and for us to have a family. It's simply a shame that two people could be so perfect for each other yet never come together with enough certainty to become ONE. "WE" truly are a once in a lifetime.

Tears on the "Little Jumpseat"

Day 23 should be easier than Day 1, but today was one of the hardest. After 5 days off, it is time for me to go back to work. I woke up at 4:15am for a 6:50am non-stop flight to Denver which was promptly canceled at 6:55am. I arrived at Orlando International with time to spare so I could enjoy a Starbucks Latte. I did not even want to drink the coffee, but I did want to wait in line for one....I knew he wouldn't be in line at Starbucks but I certainly had lots of hope. This morning, I had to sit on the "little jumpseat"(this is a very small seat directly behind the Captain on the Boeing 737). I would compare the size and level of comfort to that of a child's seat. The pilots were Orlando based. The additional jumseating pilot's name was Scott. He was older than me, probably in his late 30s and was a 717 first officer at Air Tran. The First officer, Keith was an older quiet former RJ pilot and seemed pleasant enough, however not memorable per se. Dave, the Captain was a tall and lean reddish-gray haired man approximately 50 years old with a short buzz style hair cut. I especially took notice of the back of his head since I was seated directly aft of him. His head looked nothing like the one I wished was directly in front of me. Unlike Dave's long skull and thinning hair, the structure of Ernie's head is like that of a child. His head is perfectly round, the shape is the text book version of bone structure , and is covered in a full blanket of soft dark brown hair. Ernie's hair cut is edgy and young for a man in his early forties. I gently laid my head on the back of the Captain's seat, shielding my eyes from the sun. My entire face began to tingle, as my emotions became stronger. I raised my head composing myself and pretending I had yawned to excuse any tears in my eyes. I looked up one last time but the petite man who made me believe in Love at first sight was only an arms reach away in my mind. He was nowhere to be seen in this cockpit on this day. It didn't matter how many times I closed my eyes and prayed when I opened them I could reach out and touch him. This 737 was heading northbound towards Columbus Ohio, and Ernie was on a beach in Florida.